MY STRUGGLES AS A CHRISTIAN

1. How people perceive me to be

What people thought about me use to bother me. People automatically assumed because I was a christian that I lived a perfect life. They wanted me to live a way that was pleasing to them but ultimately I have to live a life that's pleasing to God. It took me a while to adjust to this new christian lifestyle.

2. I feel like I have to be perfect

I still struggle with this everyday. I have a tendency of beating myself up whenever things don't go my way. When in actuality its not my way, its Gods way. I have to remember that no one is perfect but God. I may fall short at times and yes I may sin. I have to keep reminding myself not to stay down but to get up. "No matter how many times you fall down, always stay strong and have the courage to get back up again. Never give up!"- unknown source

3. I find myself questioning my faith

I find myself questioning what I am supposed to be doing for God. I know I was placed here for a purpose but I sometimes feel unworthy. I question if he made the right decision. I struggle with learning the bible so how can I tell people about him and I don't fully know him? In order for me top stop struggling with this I have to work on strengthening my faith.

4. I don't feel like I make time for him

When I first came out of the hospital I was praying day and night. I would pray so much that my mouth would get dry. I had no urge to eat or drink. My main focus was him. The way I prayed and worshiped him was fulfilling. No food nor drink could have filled me in that way. I started to notice that my desire to pray was starting to take a back seat to my daily life. I still prayed everyday but it wasn't as much as before. I am still a work in progress. I am striving to get back on the path that I once was on.

christian.jpg

 


The Prodigal Daughter (My Testimony)

In January 2013 I was constantly getting sick. I would go to my doctor and he would run numerous test but all my results would come back negative. No one knew what was wrong with me. I didn't even know what was wrong with myself and I am a nurse. Lets just say this was just the beginning of all my problems.

Between the months of January through February I visited the hospital roughly 11 times. I had no appetite and I was not having normal bowel movements. I was experiencing memory loss, blurry visions and my hair was falling out. I decided to switch doctors and demanded more in depth testing to be done. Upon testing my blood they told me I had Lupus. They weren't 100% sure but because Lupus is common in my family they figured I had it.

I had a procedure scheduled for March 25, 2013. I was scheduled for a Colonoscopy and an Endoscopy to see exactly why I wasn't having a bowel movement. Prior to my procedure I flew my mom from Florida to NY for moral support. My mom is a blessed woman of God and has always taught us about God from young. Even though I strayed from the Church as I got older, she never once stopped telling me about rekindling my relationship with him. So bringing her to my procedure was just a hidden blessing.

The day of my procedure my mom and boyfriend accompanied me to my appointment. I was a nervous wreck and I couldn't contain myself. My mom sat quietly and I knew she was praying. She called me over to her and said "Its time to pray" with a very stern voice. She held my hand along with my boyfriends hand and said a prayer for protection. As soon as we said Amen I was called into the room. A sense of calmness came over my body and the fear that was within me prior to the prayer went away.

After my procedure was over I was told by the Gastroenterologist that I had numerous polyps in my esophagus and intestines. He removed them for testing and would call me once the results were back. As I sat there high as a kite from the anesthesia all I could think about was where were my mom and boyfriend. I couldn't wait to leave and head home.

FullSizeRender (3).jpg

Upon returning home I began to have complications from the anesthesia. I was experiencing a burning sensation all over my body. My tongue was heavy and I broke out in hives. I woke my boyfriend up and asked him to take me to the ER. We drove over to my grandmothers house to pick up my mom and head to the Hospital.

Once we arrived at the Hospital my symptoms began to worsen. I asked the receptionist if she could get the nurse to see me right away due to my allergic reaction. She notified me that I would have to wait to be registered. I told her the urgency to see the nurse and she ignored me. I tried my best to act civilized because my mom was with me but at that point I was furious. I began to curse and shout, like we say in Trinidad I showed my backside. I then turned my frustration to my boyfriend and told him to leave. I'm not sure why I behaved that way but I lashed out on everyone in sight. Finally an old co-worker of mine that was working in the ER came out and assisted me. The ER was packed that night so I wasn't allowed to bring my mom to the back with me. There were no exam rooms available so I had to lay on a bed in the hallway. The Physician Assistant approached me and explained to me that she's going to start me on some medications. She sent the nurse over to me to start an IV. The nurse came back and gave me Benadryl through the IV. I heard a voice say call your mom. I then asked the nurse if my mom could come in for a little. She paged her on the intercom and my mom came walking in with a big smile on her face. We began to talk about my poor behavior and vulgar mouth when the nurse came back over to me. She began to put a syringe in my IV line. As soon as I was asking her what the medication was she injected it. Within seconds I felt the medication burning through my veins. I felt the medication moving upwards towards my throat. My throat began to tighten and my mom kept asking what was wrong with me. The last words out of my mouth to her was my throat is closing.

Everything went dark, I could hear everything that was going on around me. I couldn't see anything nor could I move. I could hear my mom praying and speaking in tongues. I heard a doctor scream out to the nurse "What did you give her?"  I repeatedly asked myself am I dead. In the midst of the darkness I saw a figure. It looked like a demonic creature. I could hear my mom praying even louder at this point. All I could think about was my kids and the fact that I hadn't fully lived my life yet. I felt my soul slowly leaving my body. I saw a bright light and I felt compelled to gravitate towards it. I heard this voice, a stern yet gentle voice. The voice kept saying "My child, I am not ready for you yet." I kept moving towards the voice and this beautiful gate white with gold trimmings appeared. On the other side of the gate I saw my dad. My dad had passed away several years ago. Although he lived a life of crime he gave his life to God on his death bed. My dad said to me " If I can make it here, anyone can make it here." I started seeing a flock of people running up to the gate. Some of these people were familiar faces and others were complete strangers. They were all coming with messages they wanted me to deliver to their loved ones. I heard the voice of God say go back and let people know that I am real. I felt my soul float back into my body. 

A few hours passed before I opened my eyes. My mom and my boyfriend were by my side. I looked at the monitor and my blood pressure reading was 65/42. My mom asked me if I remembered everything that happened. I vaguely remembered me screaming Hallelujah. I remembered saying over and over God is real. I could see things that I had never saw before. I saw my life transforming, I saw myself walking down the isle with my boyfriend. I saw him holding a little boy and I thought of the name Jahsiah. I saw the outpouring of blessings that God was to bestow upon me. My mom said I began to prophesy to people that were around me. She said my eyes were closed but I singled out certain individuals and told them messages from God. At that time I began to pull my tongue ring out of my mouth. I made a vow to live my life in alignment with him and for him. 

My life drastically changed that day. I wasn't the old me anymore. I couldn't help but ask myself on many days why me? Why am I so lucky to get a second chance at life? I felt like God was with me every step of the way.  I could feel him and someone who has never had a spiritual encounter with him wouldn't understand what I am talking about. God is real!